Late Nights With Coco Marumba

So it's been 77 weeks since my last post. Seems like I was complaining and running my entire life through here. So much has happened it seems unreal to think that so much else has happened and I wrote about it on here.

I vowed to write more often on here once I got my laptop, and that day has finally come.


Hello again... livejournal.

As I start to completely blow steam onto the world, I remind myself that it could be much worse, though it could be much much much much better.


So here's how junior year has become and status of my objectives:

Soccer-Failed
Men's group for choir-Failed
Grades-Failing
Debate-Failing(getting in way of other failures)
Lacrosse-Chore(failing)
Band-Absent(failing)
Women-Failing


I've had a fair share of deep conversations on how life is going for me, and they haven't really gotten me anywhere, they haven't helped me, they haven't hurt me; they've just been there.

Thanks for trying, but its not really helping, I need some walking advice.

I've tried to turn the other cheek and go on, but its hard to get away from your problems when they're pounding into your head like a goddamn song is stuck there (in some cases, pretty literally).

I may seem like I'm pissed off at some of you for maybe no particular reason, or that I might have a reason; but I suppose it's best for you to just ignore me. I'm going through a lot and its getting overwhelming.



Sorry everybody for being an asshole.

This is a composite Christopher and I have made:

I want to be able to do homework with her
I want to be able to make fun of her all the time
I want to be a bestfriend where that when we hang out, we're hanging out
I want balance
I want to care and be cared
I want to do stupid redundant things with her


(Chris' example, "so I'm sitting here on the couch watching tv, and see over there?[points to other side of couch] Thats where she is, god I'd kill for that!)


any takers?

so I said to myself yesterday "When you get home, I think we should sit down and write a very profound journal entry." I said today, "Lets actually do some homework for once okay?"


None of that has happened yet.

Why must everything I want to do happen at night when I shouldnt be doing it?

Anyways, things have been very different for me lately. I've found some friends who I can rely on no matter what. I've reconciled with everyone who I was having problems with. I should be on top, but I'm only on a steady slope up. I still want a girlfriend, I still want to be in adv mix, I still want a steady band. All these could be achieved in technicality, but not in optimum. I could easily get a girlfriend in a few people, but I'm not as in to them as I would want to be. I could be in Adv mix next year (of course that'll happen), but what was looked to be only a semester in int, seems like it'll be a lifetime. I could be in a steady band, but some that I have tried just dont seem to work and micromanaging without being someone who's micromanaging is a lot tougher than I would ever think. I mean, I have charisma and can do it, but itll take a lot more out of me to do so.


So, here are my quests in a brief listy thing:

Wants/Needs/Can do withouts:
1.gf
2.adv mix
3.stardom

And here are the nouns that give me hope that they'll happen

1.spelling ch(a/u)mp, smoothie girl, pre/post-hc setup, cupcake(prolly not)
2. men's ensamble singing New York New York(finally something I really like) plus recognition of progress
3.Andrew's dad or *the hard route*no connections

These are in the "as of now" folder, they could and most likely will change, I'll most definitely keep you up to date with that

<3Gustavs

Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included.

[1] I don't give myself enough credit. I always feel down in the dumps about the worst things and should look towards the brightside more often.

[2] I really want to get into this band thing, and so does Travis. I just dont know about Alex really. Andrew is putting really high standards on us.

[3] I really have to stop lying to EVERYBODY.

[4] I'm really scared about my grades, they are all on the line here.

[5] I'm thinking of an idea to establish a grafitti workshop, where people can rent space to tag up and take pictures, then at the end of the day we paint the whole thing over for the next day.

[6] I'm being so shy right now, the girls I'm not interested in; I'm theyre best friend. The girls I AM interested in, I'll make contact, but it wont help; I dance around the girl subject. I'm hopeless.


I taggg Chris, Crystal, Austin, Nik, Wes and Jess

DIPSET

VoicePost 332K 1:46

“first voice post, main notes 1.Life getting better or confusing 2.lying 3.goodnight” Transcribed by: wstetimewithm3

Poll #822388 Guys and Girls.....
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

Preferred Hair length, 1=bald, 11=hair to shoulders EEK!

gosh i must not be trying hard enough

ill make you stop and make your eyes turn red
ill turn your world upside down, and create a war in your head

puttin down all yo cash for a grill of gold
though the grill of black gold wont eva be sold
we're killing them as if its what they bleed
and come back after plantin such an angry seed
they hate and we participate but we use bullets
and dont you tell me thats for the best

people in love can wed
but cant use the same dressing room
no bride's bride or groom's groom
we're a theocracy now, call me when the clergy has spoken
prisons are too crowded and we're to tax
all cause philosophs like me want to relax


more ina bit

looking up, no worries but the usual


back to normal

plain ol fucking normal

(#*$^(@*#%^

Gus1: We;re fucked


(exeunt)

Gus1: ....Hey*sniff*
Gus2: oh no, whats up?
Gus1: ...nothing, just nothing
Gus2: are you alright?
Gus1: yeah .... no
Gus2: oh no, whats wrong?
Gus1: ugh depressed
Gus2: something happen?
Gus1: no
Gus2: someone upset you?
Gus1: ...no
Gus2: then whats up?
Gus1: im just..... unhappy
Gus2: ?
Gus1: i dont know, like i feel so insignificant and not even close to anything i want to be, and i envy everybody who just doesnt care, i dont know im just unhappy, ive been unhappy, like in our last meeting, we concluded that only small things will cheer me up the slightest bit but its only going to make me hit rock bottom harder when the long run comes around
Gus2: i understand, well i guess i have to
Gus1: yeah you do, but i guess you're just a side of me thats not completely how i am, another aurora i suppose
Gus2: thats true, i dont know exactly how you feel, but its easy to relate because i AM you
Gus1: when was the last time we were "hadnt a care in the world amazing life happy"?
Gus2: beats me
Gus1: thats how sad we are, we have nothing right now, we just arent happy, we seem to be just angry at the drop of a hat now, but theres no reason to hate
Gus2: there is no reason to hate but i know how you mean by just wanting to make someone's life worse than yours for a second
Gus1: its horrible i know, that just makes us horrible
Gus2: i wouldnt say we're horrible, a lot of people can vouche for that
Gus1: i know, but none of that ever makes me feel better
Gus2: know of anything that could make us a little happy? maybe just one more small thing to cheer us up before our big "Clinical Depression Recovery"?
Gus1: we should let chris go on guild wars, he is kinda traumatized from charles and wes making out with hoes on his bed
Gus2: yeah seeing him pleased would make me a bit happy
Gus1: funny how this is one of our problems too
Gus2: what?
Gus1: yeah we put everyone else in front of us?
Gus2: this is true, lets work on that afterwards
Gus1: cherry vanilla dr pepper will drain your thirsties as well too
Gus2: okay, lets go
Gus1: k


(exeunt)

another one of those emotional breakdown screenplays is coming soon

God dammit Gus another one of "Those convos" goin on in your head...


Gus1: "Sup loser?"

Gus2: "You don't really mean that do you?"

Gus1: "Of course not, I love you, then again, lets see here."

Gus1: "You lost your gf to some guy who lives in Kingman, your car is in the shop till god knows when, you felt so alone and secluded from the world the other night that you cried in your friend's hallway, your hair is getting longer and harder to make un-curlified, your having a hard time meet new people, as well as your friendships are breaking. Gus, you're really blowin' it kid"

Gus2: "Will it look up?"

Gus1: "At this pace Gus, only small things'll put a smile on your face, you're screwing yourself over at this point"

Gus2: "What should I do?"

Gus1: "You could .... well ..... ummmm .... I don't know Gus, I guess you'll/I'll have to figure that out"

Gus2: "Any ideas?"

Gus1: "Nope"

Gus2: "Well then lets ask ..."

Gus1: "We cant do that, this is something we'll have to solve on our own"

Gus2: "I understand ...I still feel empty inside"

Gus1: "Get used to it, I have a feeling it'll be a long and bumpy ride from here on out"

Gus2: "I think I'm going to throw up"

Gus1: "Suck it up champ, save it for the ladies"

Gus2: "What ladies?"

Gus1: " .........oh ....... yeah (throws up)

Gus2: "You okay?"

Gus1: "M'eh"

Gus2: "We use that word too much, it doesnt promote happiness within ourselves"

Gus1: "Cut the happy crap, its how we feel, and if it means depression, then by god, we're depressed"

Gus2: "Hello Depression"

Gus1: "Yous one lady I'd be glad to be rid of"

(Enter Gus3)

Gus2: "For a change...."

Gus1: "For a change"

Gus3: "Hey Losers"

Gus2: "God no ... (tears)"

Gus1: "Ass"

Gus3: "What??"

Gus1: "Nevermind"

Gus3: "Sooooooorrry"

Gus2: "(sniff) Its okay, I overreacted"

Gus3: "Not the first time"

Gus1: "And probably not the last time"

Gus2: "Whats the count on that now?"

Gus3: "We're working on 4"

Gus1: "6 more and the next one's free"

Gus2: "Cute"

Gus1: "Sarcasm much?"

Gus2: "You read me like a book"

Gus1: "I am you, he's you, you're ...you"

Gus2: "For once, that should change"

Gus3: "Oh who the hell would you wanna be anyways?"

Gus2: "Idk someone without all these problems"

Gus1: "I think you're overexaggerating"

Gus2: "Well I am killing myself from the inside out mentally"

Gus3: "Very unhealthy"

Gus1: "Granted theres something going on (points to head) here, but that doesn't mean we should give up, theres three of us"

Gus2: "You mean one of us"

Gus1: "Yeah... but no.... but whatever!"

Gus3: "The point is is that if we want that change and that momentum shift, its time now to make a huge change so that we can at least feel like some sort of badass from it and feel like we're or I'm socially accepted instead of secluded and alone and unwanted"

Gus1: "Uhhh ... yeah, what he said"

Gus3: "I mean, you have been told that you aren't a horrible guy"

Gus2: "Yeah but you wern't here for his ... or my ... or whatever's explanation on how loserish I ... we ... Gus is!"

Gus3: "Oh, care to repeat?"

Gus1: "Uhh ex to kingman guy, bad hair, car probs, crying"

Gus3: "Hmm that is a problem. New girl, haircut, monday, and tissues?"

Gus2: "Nope, dont know any, waiting for school, sunday, and broke"

Gus3: "I fold"

Gus1: "Fuck"

Gus3: "Well we'll get someone to set you up on all that"

Gus2: "K sure"

(Together Exhale, silence)

Gus1: "Twizzlers and sleep?"

Gus2: "Okay, god ...talk about little things"

Gus3: "SRSLY"








Gus3: "OH and whats this all about you being gay?"

Gus1: "I guess I walk funny and people take that from it, other than that, I'm not gay"

Gus2: "Yeah, I .... we loves the ladies"

Gus3: "Good, I was worried about myself for a moment there"










Good job Gus, a screenplay

oh god project runway 3 is coming


i love bravo

shit its only been a few days and dobras and i are fucking buds, this is gonna get good

hit me up on the weekends
use me for your twisted games
your sick
im worse cause i call back

and ill sneak out my back door
and push my empty car down the steet
these windows are clear now
they wont be no longer

and i wonder...

how youd live if i said no
would you fall apart
i sure as hell know
itd be different than the start.....

tell your friends

that im genuine
that im worth the time
that their windows will fog
and itll never be the same

you'll call on a saturday night
asking for the night of your life
hell you said you'd come to me
but its not going to be like that

cause im finding out

how youd live if i said no
would you fall apart
i sure as hell know
itd be different than the start.....

i was just a guilty pleasure
i made you eroticly overweight
im the sugar that made you lust
leaving you was like

taking candy from a baby

you couldnt live if i said no
youd fall apart
i sure as hell know
itd be different than the start.....
you thought you wore the pants
im just a lonely call
dont get dependant that ill be there
look whose wearing the pants afterall

its been a weird few days i suppose, must be cause motha and bro are out of town

I've been hangin out with old friends a bit more, as well as the new ones when I can
I've started to trust people again, yeah I'm letting my guard down

But what if its worth it,

sudden fiasco last night, i cried my eyes out, dad was dissappointed, not pissed
gotta do what I gotta do

I don't seem to let things go, theres always this feeling at the pit of my stomach


we lost today, czech people can play soccer very very well

there are still a load of people I don't trust, that change their mind
Its not me i suppose, must be them, must be
well i found some good friends, I'm there for them
but what do I do when they're with the mistrustees?

I'm not closed minded and overjudgemental
I just have experience, and know when I'm not wanted
and love when I am

sometimes I take it all for granted
sometimes I push it too much
sometimes ...I am an asshole

I saw this mario flash/sprite movie today
I nearly cried from its meaning
An outdated meaning
but coldplay was playing and I tear up from them


I'm listening to them right now, I love the sorrow
I'm not emo, I don't hate my life
I just love feeling this way sometimes
I'm a very confusing kid
I need something
I just don't know what it is

Security? Love? Satisfaction? Accomplisment?

I guess this is my big monologue
I wish I had a better moment for it
God, I wish for a lot
But honestly, the first thing I want isnt for me
I put everyone else in front of me

That must be why I feel so bad all the time

I'm depriving myself for the pleasure of others
Its not a horrible thing I suppose
People are happy
.... well some are


I know others feel this way sometimes
You walk around your house sometimes
You look at a blank computer screen
Nothing happens
Nobody happens
You feel alone, unwanted, unneeded

Maybe none of you have
Maybe I care too much
Maybe I think too much
Maybe Im alone too much

I know 90% of you will tell me you don't care how people think of you
Well consider that last 10% and I best friends
We care, just not with each other
cause we dont have to
But I care..
I want your opinion

I think I'd be perfect for a relationship with myself
I don't love myself
but I'd care for myself, as long as I thought I wasnt, well .... myself
I guess my thoughts between people and myself ratio is a bit unbalanced

What I'm saying
Is that I need some relief
I need some "no worries"
I need some "happy"
I need something

I can manage

I've been though times like this before
Just it builds up ya know?
Theres only so much we can take
I don't take care of myself

Well like all monologues are, they end, and I'll be back for more

<3